


until we both shine, let's meet again

by strlighted



Category: AKB48, After School (Band), HKT48, IZONE, Produce 48 (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon compliant... mostly, F/F, Yes there is a happy ending, all lapslock sorry, also there may be typos i wrote most of this at 3am, because i too miss kaeun, me coping in fic form, mostly kaeun centric, seriously tho.... im sad as fuck, takes place both during and after the show, you can probably guess what this is about i dont really need tags
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-06
Updated: 2018-09-06
Packaged: 2019-07-07 05:08:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15901500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/strlighted/pseuds/strlighted
Summary: four times miyawaki sakura says i miss you, and one time she doesn't.





	until we both shine, let's meet again

**Author's Note:**

> the title is a line from the korean version of as we dream / 꿈을 꾸는 동안, translation from nakojjang on youtube.  
> (yes, i'm just a depressed kaeun stan writing this to uh, cope)

**_i. one day before the guerilla concert_ **

 

 

_[SEMI-IMPORTANT A/N: i have just realized it's a massive plot hole for juri to be here when it's taking place the day before the guerilla concert ie. the japanese members were all in japan.... i used juri because of her dynamic with i am team and i really don't think anyone else would've fit in this scene so... i'm just going to leave it. i am so sorry i suck at being canon compliant this is why you don't publish un-beta'd at 3am kids]_

 

 

"kaeun-unnie!"

kaeun can _hear_ yena shouting at her, of course, she's simply gotten quite good at tuning her out.

"unnie!" yena's screams, however are quite insistent. it's the fact that she never runs out of breath that astonishes kaeun.  _how does such a small girl have such a large lung capacity?_

kaeun's eyes are fixed on her phone. they're given such limited access to phones, she's going to kill choi yena if the younger girl makes her waste a single second.

 

_"i know it's only been a day but **i miss you** a lot"_

 

kaeun's heart clenches at the words, trying her best to keep her face neutral but she's fairly certain in reality she's grinning at her phone's screen like an idiot.

 

on the other side of the room, yena - mid-wrestling match with ahn yujin - stops yelling at kaeun for long enough to glance at takahashi juri and pretend to gag. juri laughs audibly, but kaeun's in her own world. the younger girls are teasing her but really, they think it's sweet how whipped she is. it's obvious without looking at her screen (and seeing the contact name saved with excessive heart and cherry blossom emojis) who the older girl is texting, there's really only one person who makes her giddy like this.

 

kaeun hesitates for a few seconds before responding to sakura;

 

_"it's okay, soon we'll debut together, you'll never have to miss me again. i promise ;)"_

 

the message is uncharacteristically cocky of her, but she knows sakura needs her to be confident right now. the younger doesn't say it out loud, but she's more nervous for the final than anyone else. despite the fact that kaeun herself gets lightheaded at the thought of everything ending so soon, at how impossible it is to predict the result, she puts on a strong face for her girlfriend. whatever happens, sakura needs to see that kaeun's not worried - kaeun knows the younger girl can't bear the thought of two and a half years apart.

 

_"don't jinx it!"_

 

kaeun stifles a laugh, it's such an innocent response at first glance but she knows there's weight to it.

what if they really don't debut together?

neither of them have left the top 12 once - but that hardly guarantees anything. kaeun's almost certain sakura will make it, in fact she'll be somewhat shocked if her girlfriend isn't ranked first. if anyone deserves to be confident, it's sakura, but kaeun knows she's terrified. sakura's more worried for kaeun than she is for herself, and it breaks kaeun's heart more every day. losing the chance to debut would crush her, but the thought of sakura being away for two and a half years, busy constantly, never being able to visit, crushes her more. 

no, she can't let herself think like this. 

she can't even consider the possibility. sakura needs her to be strong.

 

"kaeun-unnie!" it's a different voice this time, not yena, so it breaks through kaeun's internal yena-proof sound barriers. "can you stop being gross with  _your_ girlfriend and help me stop yujin from killing _mine_?'

of course, the voice is jo yuri. of course, yujin and yena are wrestling. of course, everything is chaotic and it's so blissfully normal for them that kaeun's able to put her worries aside - and help yuri and juri stop yujin from decapitating yena.

 

kaeun never does get a chance to reply to sakura's "don't jinx it" text.

 

* * *

 

_**ii. after the final rank announcement** _

 

everything kaeun sees is out of focus, everything she hears is muffled. it's like being underwater.

 

lee chaeyeon is young, she's an incredible dancer, she's a great vocalist. most of all, she's an amazing friend to sakura. sakura will need her to be by her side now.

 

 _sakura_.

 

people are crowding around kaeun, people are crying, people are calling out to her. she can't hear anything.

she can't see sakura.

before kaeun knows it, yena's sobbing into her chest and mumbling something about how unfair this is through sobs, holding her as tight as she can and insisting she's never going to let go. "they're going to have to get pliers or something, i'm not letting you leave". it'd be hilarious if the younger girl wasn't beside herself. kaeun can't do anything but hug her back.

she hears sakura before she sees her, she's saying kaeun's name over and over to get her attention. kaeun doesn't want to look at her, she doesn't think she can take it.  _i promised her, i promised we'd be together_. 

yena, as promised, isn't budging. sakura's right beside her now, and kaeun turns to look at her, smiling as wide as she can muster.

 

"this wasn't supposed to happen".

kaeun thinks sakura is whispering at first, but she's just crying too hard to speak any louder. kaeun doesn't know what to say. she's always been able to make her girlfriend feel better, but what can she say now? what can she do when this is all being filmed?

"congratulations" she manages, trying to hold her smile.

sakura cries harder at this. 

kaeun can't cry, she can't. sakura needs her to be strong. she'll cry later - for hours, as soon as she's home and alone and doesn't need to be strong for anyone anymore - but right now the girl she loves needs her.

 

this is being broadcast, kaeun knows she can't do what she really feels like doing and kiss sakura until she doesn't feel like crying anymore.  _that would be most effective_. 

she'll have to settle.

people are crowding around them now, she has a chance to grasp sakura's hand knowing the cameras won't catch it. 

yunjin's behind her now, sobbing as hard as yena. she'll comfort the girl who has come to be like a younger sister to her in a second, sakura still needs her now.

there are tears welling up in kaeun's eyes, but she maintains her smile - it's the only way to stop herself from losing it entirely.

"it's okay, you deserve this, and you aren't losing me. i love you", kaeun manages, and can hear yena try to fake a gag but it just turns into a sob, followed by something along the lines of "what am i going to do when i can't tease you anymore?"

sakura's grasping kaeun's hand so tightly her fingers are going numb. if they need pliers to pull yena away from her, they'll need an entire crane to split up kaeun and sakura.

 

_" **i miss you** already."_

 

hearing sakura say this, kaeun immediately tries to turn away so no one will see the tears dangerously close to spilling over.

 

* * *

 

_**iii. one week after the final, izone have moved into dorms already** _

 

"you awake?"

it's some ungodly hour of the night, there's no reason for either of the two pledis trainees to be awake right now, after a long day of practice they're both exhausted and could use all the rest they can get.

of course, kaeun is wide awake and answers yunjin immediately.

 

"if you didn't know i was awake you wouldn't have asked" the older girl muses, lying on her back and staring straight up at the ceiling. 

 

since produce 48 ended, yunjin has taken to sleeping in the after school dorms with kaeun. she "sneaks out" of the trainee dorm every night, in what she thinks is a very secretive manner. honestly, kaeun is nearly certain her managers all know this and simply didn't care, but she lets the younger girl enjoy her secret agent fantasy anyways. and although she pretends otherwise to tease the younger girl, kaeun loves the arrangement. with raina promoting, it's awfully lonely in the after school dorms and yunjin's presence is the only thing stopping kaeun from feeling as helpless and trapped as she did before produce 48 began. somehow, having a giant-baby-sister-like trainee by your side works wonders for personal morale.

 

"yena told me everyone misses us", yunjin whispers, rolling over to face kaeun.

kaeun stares harder at the ceiling.

"mostly you, they mostly miss you. yena probably just said they talked about missing me too to be nice."

kaeun knew yunjin wanted to talk about it, but she couldn't.

"next time yena facetimes me, i'm making you talk to her too. she misses you a lot. she said eunbi-unnie's doing a great job as leader but it's just not the same. is it true eunbi's called you to ask how to do laundry?"

kaeun snorts, giving in, "yeah."

"did you teach her?"

"yeah"

"you talked to eunbi-unnie but not sakura-chan?"

kaeun's silent again.

"seriously? has she called you?"

kaeun nods her head slowly. she's not sure if yunjin can see that in the dark, but her throat feels like sandpaper and she's not sure she could get a word out.

"unnie..."

 

without warning, the tears kaeun has been trying to contain for a week finally overflow and she tries to burry her head in the pillow to cover her sobs but it's to no avail. 

it's the first time she's cried in front of anyone since the final. 

 

yunjin's distressed. she's across the room and hugging kaeun before kaeun even has the chance to say a word. 

"no no no no no i didn't mean to make you upset i'm so sorry it's okay wait as long as you want to call saku-chan back she definitely understands it's okay i promise"

kaeun's so used to being the consoler rather than the consolee, she doesn't know what to do. she hates crying in front of other people, and poor yunjin, she's just a kid, she shouldn't have to be worried for kaeun in the first place. 

"it's-it's okay yunjinnie", kaeun whispers, but she's still shaking and once her tears have begun they don't seem to stop.

"it doesn't always have to be okay, you're allowed to be sad too, you know! you carry the weight of everyone's problems but won't let anyone help you through yours. you don't have to be a leader anymore, you're allowed to be upset because what happened to you wasn't fair and everyone knows the stupid votes are rigged anyways so you have every right to want to cry and scream a-"

kaeun doesn't mean to cut yunjin off, but she knows the kid can go on forever and there's no way she's going to be able to finish that thought without getting upset herself.

"i want to call sakura"

yunjin stares at kaeun like she's insane. "unnie, now? seriously?"

kaeun nods, wiping her eyes and breathing in shakily. "i... you're right. i needed to cry like a normal person. i need to accept that what happened, happened, and it sucks and i'm upset about it but i'm not going to ever be any less upset if i keep avoiding my girlfriend".

yunjin's mouth is wide open, "i'm glad you feel better now, i'm glad you're not going to try and be a robot anymore, but unnie it's after 4 in the morning, i don't think sakura will be awake?"

kaeun hadn't really considered that part.

after thinking for a second, she's made up her mind. "i'm going to try anyways".

yunjin sighs, but doesn't protest. in fact, she's smiling, seeing kaeun act more like herself again (ie: doing illogical things because she loves sakura).

 

the phone doesn't even get through the second ring before sakura picks up.

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME LEE KAEUN"

kaeun flinches, "sakura i-"

"NO. i get to talk first. are you serious? one entire week. seven days. that's 168 hours. no facetime, no phone call, no text, not even an instagram comment or something, for AN ENTIRE WEEK? do you not realize how that makes me feel? you don't think i'm upset enough being here without you? but for you to  _ignore_ my calls only to decide after seven days that oh this is a good time, why not call at 4am?"

"i didn't want to-"

"NO, i'm so far from done! i'm going insane here, thinking you hate me, i've cried to chaeyeon at least eight times and she'd never say this to me but even she's getting sick of listening, and you know what kaeun?  **i miss you** so fucking much that if you were here right now i don't know if i'd kiss you or punch you in the face!"

kaeun can't quite figure out how to respond, and yunjin sitting in the corner covering her mouth and trying not to make a sound is not exactly lightening the atmosphere.

"sakura i-i'm so sorry-"

before she can even finish the sentence, her voice breaks and suddenly she's crying again. "i didn't want to hurt you. i was just too scared to confront how upset i was about everything and for some reason i thought shutting you out would be easier than just talking about it with you. because if there's anyone who knows how i feel it's you. and i was scared of my own feelings, i'm not used to letting anyone else share my burdens and i knew i couldn't hide anything from you. you know me better than anyone and i should've came to you in the first place but i didn't and now you have no reason to ever forgive me and i won't ask that of you but i just want you to know i love you and i'm sorry".

"you're an idiot", sakura says, and kaeun can hear she's crying too.

"i know"

"i wish you were here"

"me too"

in her bed on the other side of the room, yunjin is taking a snapchat of kaeun crying into the phone, then switches the camera to herself and pretends to gag. naturally, it's sent to yena and juri.

 

* * *

  

_**iv** **. izone's debut day** _

 

kaeun doesn't think her plan is going to work very well.

for one thing, yunjin's a blabbermouth and it'll be a miracle if yena doesn't already know (and if yena knows - yuri knows.)

 

she had her managers arrange this with izone's managers months ago, it's going to be filmed as part of izone's debut reality show, they thought it was brilliant. kaeun still doesn't think it's going to work out - mostly because she thinks she's going to pass out.

 

two months. it's been nearly two months since she last saw sakura. between hkt schedules, flying back and forth, and debut preparations, there really hasn't been a single chance for the two to meet up. they talk on the phone at least once a day, and text at every possible opportunity, but it never feels like enough. kaeun feels lightheaded just trying to picture seeing her in person again after so long.

she can't do anything, not really, with so many cameras. but she can hug her, she can hold her hand at least a bit, she can  _see_ her. it's more than she's gotten in two months. it's more than she could ask for.

 

kaeun is texting yunjin ( _"im going to vomit everywhere"_ ) when she finally hears familiar voices outside of the mcountdown change room. she's been waiting for nearly twenty minutes now, and she didn't even get a chance to see izone on stage because the staff didn't want them to see her and be distracted right before their debut stage.

panicking upon realizing just how close the voices are and how quickly they're approaching, kaeun frantically lights the candles on the cake (only successfully lighting four of the twelve) and then looks for a hiding spot.

of course, the door swings open just as kaeun is attempting to climb behind the sofa and she's gotten one leg over the backboard of it, while her other leg precariously balances her on top of the couch. 

before she even has a chance to yell surprise, eunbi who was at the front like the true leader she is, is already screaming "KAEUN-UNNIE?" louder than kaeun knew was humanly possible.

kaeun not-so-gracefully tries to dismount the couch, as all the izone members are running over to her at once and she's also painfully aware of the men with large cameras hovering in the doorway.

yena's shoved past eunbi and literally tackles kaeun into a hug, throwing her back onto the couch.

"YOU'RE ACTUALLY HERE?" the younger girl is shouting, and suddenly yujin, wonyoung, and chaeyeon are also piling onto the couch attempting to all hug kaeun at once and even if the oldest girl is being mildly suffocated, she's beaming from ear to ear.

as the children start to release her, kaeun looks up and immediately locks eyes with sakura. her girlfriend is still standing in the doorway, looking at her almost shyly.

kaeun feels like her heart might explode.

it almost feels like a movie when the excited buzz of conversation and exclamations of how much everyone missed kaeun all seem to fall silent at once, as everyone turns to watch kaeun and sakura stare at one another across the room. 

almost sheepishly, kaeun stands up, not breaking eye contact with sakura. the younger girl looks both shocked and overjoyed, but also hesitant. kaeun's also not sure what to do - what's 'too obvious'? what'll look bad on camera?

 

in a moment of mixed elation and immaturity, kaeun decides  _fuck the cameras_ , and practically dives across the room so she can wrap sakura in a hug. 

the second kaeun's arms are around her, sakura crumples into her and kaeun realizes with a start that the younger girl is crying. (choruses of  _awwws_ are echoing around the room from the other izone members.)

"no no no, why are you crying?!" kaeun pulls away from the hug just so she can look sakura in the eye as she asks.

"because  **i miss you** , dummy"

sakura says it with so much conviction that kaeun feels her own eyes watering.

"why do you miss me! i'm right here!" kaeun's smiling again, as widely as she can. sakura smiles a bit, but she still looks more upset than anything.

"you should  _always_ be right here..."

kaeun doesn't know what to say to this, and as much as she wants to kiss sakura in this moment, she knows that would only hurt both of them. so she's once again forced to settle and decides on hugging sakura so tightly she worries she may crush her.

the other eleven members of izone somehow squish into the hug, and it's somehow become a massive group hug with kaeun in the centre.

eunbi, pretending to be whispering, says to chaewon "okay but really though? can she stay? i can't raise eleven kids by myself?"

 

* * *

 

 

_**v. two and a half years later** _

 

one may think that one 'let me hide in izone's dressing room to surprise them' prank would suffice for kaeun, but somehow two years later she's once again found herself hiding behind a couch while waiting for izone to come off of the stage.

 

this time though, things are quite different.

there's no cameras, no staff, no reality show, no cake. she  _did_ have to ask permission from the managers to be backstage, but she'd left out the fact that it was a surprise, because she didn't want them to think it would be anything exciting or worth filming. and in fact, she's not even aiming to surprise all of izone, at least not yet anyways. the dressing room she's hiding in is sakura's, and she's waiting anxiously for her to finish sound check and come to get ready for izone's final concert.

 

two and a half years. kaeun wishes she could say the years seemed to  _fly by_ , but really that couldn't be further from the truth. without sakura, every day felt like it took a week's worth of energy to get through, and kaeun found herself desperately anticipating their daily facetime call to the point where it was often all that got her through the day. 

one thing was for certain, kaeun was not made for long distance relationships.

despite the distance, complicated schedules, and lack of one-on-one time, kaeun and sakura had somehow made it work. the first year, kaeun came with sakura to japan and spent christmas with her family. the next year, it was sakura's turn to stay with kaeun's family (which somehow now included yunjin as well - how she'd wormed her way into a regular seat at the holiday dining table kaeun still didn't quite understand). other than christmas' and the occasional weeks off here and there, it'd been nearly impossible to spend more than a day together. but after two years, 906 facetime calls (and counting), lots of dollars in cellular data overages, too many flights, and far too many 'why is yunjin here just to third wheel' moments, it's finally coming to a close.

 

and of course, it's bittersweet. sakura really has loved her time with izone despite how much she's hated time away from her girlfriend - the two aren't mutually exclusive!

kaeun's more than glad sakura had the opportunity to be in the group, and she's long since come to terms with her own elimination. maybe, in some profound way she'll never truly comprehend, it was for the better. maybe distance and the amount of inconveniences only proved how much kaeun and sakura do love each other, because they were able to put up with so much. maybe that was their fate all along, to have to fight for a lasting relationship against all odds. or maybe kaeun just has bad luck.

 

the doorknob turning forces kaeun out of her reverie. 

kaeun jumps up from behind the couch, arms wide open ready to embrace her girlfriend-

as sakura screams at the top of her lungs and promptly slams the door in kaeun's face.

"WHAT THE HECK LEE KAEUN" she yells at the closed door in between them, so loud that other izone members in their own dressing rooms down the hall start responding, yelling back to ask what's wrong.

"SURPRISE!" kaeun screams at the door, "ARE YOU REALLY NOT COMING BACK IN?"

"i'm going to kill you one of these days" sakura mutters as she opens the door, but kaeun wasn't going to give her a chance.

she cups sakura's face in her hands and kisses her - for real, not a delicate 'it's been a while' kiss, but a 'i love you and even though i just saw you last week i constantly miss this' passionate kiss - and kaeun could  _feel_  that sakura was caught off guard, but that only made sakura kiss back more desperately, because they did meet on a survival show and they're nothing if not competitive. 

"DID YOU YELL SOMETHING ABOUT KAEUN-UNNIE?" yena was yelling as she ran down the hall towards sakura's room, only to follow it up with "UGH, GROSS, THIS IS LIKE WALKING IN ON YOUR _PARENTS_ MAKING OUT" and running back in the opposite direction.

 

after a maybe a few minutes, maybe a few seconds, maybe a few hours (kaeun really can't tell because time seems to work differently when she's with sakura), she finally and reluctantly breaks the kiss. sakura looks disappointed, but kaeun was staring at her so earnestly she didn't say anything.

"i have another surprise", kaeun says softly, watching sakura's eyes closely.

sakura opens her mouth to say something, but pauses when she sees how happy kaeun seems - maybe she doesn't need to ask any questions. 

when kaeun starts fishing through her back pocket, sakura nearly passes out.  _oh dear god, is she PROPOSING?_

 

what kaeun fishes out, however, is a rusty and somewhat dented key. 

"a key?" sakura couldn't help herself, she doesn't get it.

"the key to our new place", kaeun's beaming from ear to ear.

" _our?_ "

"well, sort of. i mean, i didn't actually buy a place yet. i wasn't sure where you'd want to live or how our budget would look and it also would've just felt weird to pick a place out by myself and really i'd be okay living anywhere as long as i'm with you. but i think that after all these years of missing each other, we have a lot of lost time to make up. sorry this key is so ugly it's yunjin's i asked her to borrow it because i just use a key card for my dorms but i really wanted this to be like symbolic i don't know i didn't actually think this through very well and wow am i still talking? okay. you know what i'm trying to say. sakura, do you want to move in together?"

somewhere in the middle of kaeun's ramble-y mess of a speech, sakura's eyes had filled with happy tears. her girlfriend of nearly three years borrowed a key from her friend just so she could have a slightly more dramatic way of telling sakura she wants to move in together? that hardly even makes any sense at all?

"you're insane" sakura says, laughing softly as tears creep down her cheeks.

"is that a yes?" kaeun looks so genuinely nervous, as if sakura would ever say no.

"of course it's a yes, you idiot!"

this time, it's sakura who catches kaeun off guard with a kiss.

 

kaeun's internal yena-proof sound barriers still prove quite effective, and it appears they work for sakura too, because neither of them hear the younger girl re-approaching sakura's dressing room, whining about how she wanted to see kaeun too.

unfortunately for yena, she's chosen another bad time.

_"OH COME ON! i liked it better when you two were missing each other all the time!"_

 

**Author's Note:**

> honestly i cried while writing this one. i def don't think it's my best work writing-wise but i liked the idea enough and im still so heartbroken for kaeun im just..... guh. i hurt myself a bit with this one but it felt necessary to write smth like this with a HAPPY ending so i can like cope. i'm def going to write more about produce 48 because uh it's sort of all i think abt lately, im working on more kaeun-centric things soooo we'll see i guess... IM NOT ABANDONING CINEMATIC THOUGH if ur here to come yell at me for working on other things before uploading the final chapter pls do not I PROMISE ITS COMING SOON ive just been in such a writing slump but then the inspiration for This struck and i felt i Needed to write it asap before i slumped away again but... hopefully i'm Back At It now and can finish off cinematic very very soon <3 god this is a long note can i uh relax maybe


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